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Meanderings of an Evolving Soul
Click Here for Circle Notes -- A Journal of our Lives and Doings
May 2007
For too long I have let this go. For everyone all over the world who wrote and asked why I stopped meandering, I will resum, at least for now.
The past year and a half has brought many changes into the lives of everyone in the Circle. We lost Taliesin, Fionn, and Chronos. We gained four tiny baby kittens. We lost several people who we thought would be around forever, but we gained new family and friends.
Several relatives have come back into my life. It seems that I have a blood sister again, a brother-in-law, a niece and a nephew.
I got a phone call the other day from a Circle sister who left the Circle more than a year ago. She said she was sorry for leaving, and that everything I had told her had worked out to be true.
I hate to be right, when it means that I will lose someone. I've lost too many somebodies. My heart aches for all of the somebodies who I've lost because of gossip, back-stabbing, scapegoating and the like. I pray that there will be no more.
On a brighter note, the Circle is growing and thriving. There are wonderful people around me. All of the troublemakers are finally gone. Now it's time to get my house in order.
October 2005
The days become darker, as the nights grow longer. Leaves turn from green to yellow, red and brown as they drift silently to the ground. There is a chill now that wasn't there a month ago. I can taste Winter in the air as the year slowly dies.
So many things have happened in the past six years. There have been so many changes, yet, all cycles continue, and everything seems to return full circle.
When people ask me why I'm Pagan, why I choose to be a Witch, I tell them that I can't imagine being anything else. To me, being a Witch means taking responsibility for my own life, and for everything that happens to me.
I attended a Palm Reading Class last week. It always amazes everyone that I don't have a Fate Line on my palm. I always tell them it's because I don't believe that Fate happens to me. I believe that I create my own destiny.
It can be difficult to say, when not-so-pleasant things happen, "I am responsible for that." I can relate. Yet, I do believe that I'm the one responsible. I'm not talking about guilt. I'm talking about understanding. I'm talking about looking to see what I did to call it in. I'm talking about learning better ways to do things in the future.
I recognize that I called in some really negative situations in the past, and that I didn't always deal with them well. But I have learned a lot, and I'm moving forward. In the present, I am surrounded by about 30 people who I love and trust, and I thank the Deities and myself that I am making positive choices these days.
To all of my awesome and wonderful Circle sisters and brothers, and close friends outside of the Circle -- I love you all. Thank you for being here. To those future Circle members and other friends who I haven't met yet -- I really look forward to meeting you. The door will always be open for you. To those from the past who have wandered away -- thank you for lessons learned. I wish you well.
September 2005
The Second Harvest is almost upon us again. The days are getting shorter, and the first sharp hint of the coming Winter's chill can be felt in the evening breezes. Fields of heavy-headed grains are golden in the waning Sun. Great flocks of geese have already begun their Southern journeys in anticipation of the cold ahead. Squirrels are busy gathering nuts and acorns, and silent leaves begin to fall in the forest, one by one. We continue to harvest what we have sown.
We will be purchasing a piece of property in the foothills around the turn of the year. There is a parcel of 160 acres which especially attracts my interest. It has plenty of room to be used as a Pagan festival ground and campground. We're going to drive over and look at the area in a couple of weeks.
Next year we want to start holding large festivals on the property. We'll have vendors, campers, and maybe a few speakers. There will be classes, workshops, kids' activities, hikes, nightly bonfires and drumming circles.
I'm researching composting toilets, alternative energy systems, solar showers, gray water filtration, yurts, zoning laws, fire regulations, and other essentials. I'm pricing steel buildings, waterproof canvas, fencing for the living compound, and insurance.
We're also looking toward opening a store in the Sacramento area in the next year, with a sister store farther North within a year after that. Everything is happening according to our dreams.
I am looking forward to the next Full Moon Ritual. It will be held on a weeknight in the middle of the month. All Circle members will be invited. We will celebrate around our sacred fire.
The next Study Group will begin on September 29. I know that it will be full of wonderful new friends. I can hardly wait. We have begun a system of Team Leaders for the other groups, so that somebody will always be in charge of classes and Rituals or Meditations. It will free up my time a little bit more. :)
This Harvest looks to be the best one that we've ever had.
August 2005
I just looked back at the entry for February 2005. At that time, I was getting ready to start a new Study Group, and many of the prospective members were at Imbolac. I've got to say that I really read that one well. This has been one of the best years of my life.
The "new people" have worked really hard, and they have become firm friends, strong Circle members, and part of my family. I love them all very much. They have integrated seamlessly into the existing Circle, and it feels as though they've been here forever.
In alphabetical order:
Carol -- It's great to have you with us. We've had a lot of really good times together, and I look forward to many more.
Dawn -- your cheerfulness and generosity are inspiring to all of us. I look forward to spending more time with you. Your kids are great to have around, too.
Donna -- I see the light brightening inside of you more and more every day. I look forward to many more good times with you. You play a great guitar.
Esther -- Your courage inspires us. I love your Sagittarian wit. I love sitting and talking with you. The upcoming hikes are going to be great, too.
Erica -- You are so very caring and helpful, and very talented as a seamstress. I really love spending time with you, plus you make awesome s'mores, too.
Ken -- You have been a great friend, and a lot of help, too. I love having you around. Nobody can call East quite like you can. :)
Kiri -- Thank you for always getting there early and holding down the fort. Your youthfulness and energy are inspiring, and I love your tattoos.
Star -- You are the sister that I had forgotten about. Thank you for being there with me in the Common Lifetime at my step-daughter's trial. Thanks for remembering.
And now the rest, in alphabetical order:
Ban Naomh -- As the other double-Aries, you have become a very good friend, and have given me so much support. Thanks for everything, and for being here.
Becuma -- I'm happy that you will have a Sister-Circle soon. Welcome back. We've both grown up a lot, and learned to bring our concerns to each other.
Bres -- You have a wonderful sense of humor, and are becoming a very strong man. I'm very happy to see more of you these days, as you remember your power.
Candla -- Thank you for singing with me. You're remembering your strength more and more every day. Thank you for being a loyal friend.
Carridwen -- I am inspired by your strength, and I am very proud to be your grandmother. Thank you for listening to what is below the surface.
Cloinda -- Remember to read between the lines, as you make your way through life's journey. I look forward to seeing you soon.
Etaine -- We've had ups and downs, but have always pulled through. I look forward to seeing more of you starting next month. Thanks for being my daughter.
Hertha -- You have become as a niece to me. You and your friendship mean the world to me. Thank you for being such a good friend to both me and the Circle.
Lugh -- I am proud to be able to call you grandson. You are bright and courageous, and can talk about anything in the universe. Thank you.
Midir -- You are a powerful man who is a good friend and a wonderful source of strength. I am very happy to have you here as a Circle member.
Nemetona -- You are a very good friend, and I don't know what we'd do without you. Thank you for always being there. You're awesome.
Niamh -- I look forward to seeing a lot of you in the future. It's great to have you around. Thank you for being part of the family.
Robus -- You are such a good friend and nephew. Thank you for being here through everything. Thank you for always being willing to lend a hand.
Sirona -- You are growing up more and more every day. I'm proud that you're my granddaughter. We had a great time swimming in the lake on Sunday!
Taranis -- You've been the best brother that I could have. I look forward to many good times ahead. Thank you for giving me a new sister, too.
And last, but not least:
Manannan -- It's been almost 22 years. Gee, time flies when you're having a good time, huh? I look forward to many more good seasons. :)
Thank you all for being part of my life. I love you all!
July 2005
Dreams really can become reality. Every day I become more focused on what I want for myself and my Circle, and I watch as events and circumstances lead us closer to our goals. It's amazing. It's Magick, and it's all manifesting, in a positive and beneficial way, with harm to none.
Sometimes there are setbacks. However, I am finding that those setbacks are often some type of lesson. If we can safely navigate our way through them, we usually end up being a lot stronger and wiser.
I am amazed at the number of wonderful people I've met through this web site. Please keep writing; I love to hear from all of you. By the way, I have changed the E-Mail Address here from Galaway to SoftHome.
This next month looks to be really busy. We've got a couple of Camping Trips in the works, plus we're trying to find the time for a Study Group Campout. That may need to wait until September. I'm thinking maybe on a night after one of the Meetups…
We've already begun planning for 2006. Some tentative activities include: a Firewalk; a Sweat Lodge; more Hypnotherapy Classes; an Ocean Campout; Health and Safety Certification Classes; and some much larger public events.
A friend e-mailed me the other day. She was really excited about a new exercise machine about which she had recently heard. She talked about its great health benefits, and that many people were getting into shape really quickly by using it. I thought about it, and decided I wanted one. It sounded exactly like what I've been looking for.
So, I went online in search of one of these paragons of the exercise world. After a while I found one, and guess what? I already have something almost exactly like it! To paraphrase Doreen Valiente: If that which you seek, you find not in your own back yard, then you will probably never find it elsewhere…
How often do we do that in our lives? How often do we go out searching for the perfect whatever, only to find that it was with us all along? Now I'm not necessarily speaking of material possessions, I'm really thinking of things like strength, or wisdom, or courage, or maybe even love.
How many people spend their entire lifetimes looking for those things?
We can't find those things in a TV show or a book, in a bottle or a pill, nor in any external thing. But if we look within ourselves, we can find the strength of mountains; the wisdom of the universe; the courage of heroes; and enough love to give to everyone, including ourselves.
So what's stopping us?
Maybe it's the fact that we don't believe in ourselves very much. Maybe we say, "How could I have all of those things inside me?" Maybe nobody ever told us we could find them within ourselves. Maybe we never looked for them there.
Here's a proposal: I'll look for them inside me every day, if you will look for them in you. Maybe I'll do it even if you don't want to. But why wouldn't you want to do it? What have you got to lose by the attempt?
June 2005
The Cycles of Nature ever continue. Try as we might, we can not stop them, nor can we slow the hands of Time. The Sun yet waxes, but soon, He will turn within the embrace of the Goddess and show His darker face.
And we, in our vanity, who believe that we can call the tune to make the Universe dance, can only sit back and watch, and do nothing to change this shifting balance of power.
What we can do is change ourselves.
We can change the shifting balance of power within ourselves.
We can attempt to change hurt and anger from the past into strength and wisdom. We can change fear into understanding, and hate into compassion. We can even begin to learn how to love unconditionally.
What is unconditional love?
I believe that it has something to do with giving love and not expecting anything in return. It means loving someone or something regardless of what they say or do, or how they behave. It's about trusting them completely, to be whomever they choose to be, whether we approve of it or not.
And maybe it's about recognizing that we can never change another person. We can only change how we react to that person.
Because if we find the behavior of another to be annoying, it's not about them; it's about ourselves. It's about our own programmed responses to outside stimuli, so that's what needs to be changed, and we can do that.
Litha will soon be upon us. At that moment when the waxing year changes into the waning year, we can pause, and feel a great emission of power, as the energy of life shifts.
Working Magick means that we can use that power, to change within ourselves, so that we can perhaps begin to move closer toward becoming the evolving souls that we would like to be.
May 2005
In days long past, I watched as three men attempted to shoe a very large horse. The horse was not used to being shod, but needed protection on his hooves, as he and his human were about to undertake a secret journey which would take them along many paved roads.
The blacksmith was a strong man. I watched the rippling of his muscles as he plied his trade. He was a close friend of my husband, and well beloved of my entire family. He was also the father of a set of twins recently birthed by a young woman in my care, a step-daughter of mine.
The horse did not want to be shod. He shifted, jerked, and pulled away at inopportune times, but the young blacksmith handled him well, and in the end succeeded at his task. I met the young man in person yesterday for the first time in this lifetime.
We meet familiar ones, learn from them, and are then sometimes pulled away, to perhaps meet them again in another lifetime. We, as much as any of the other mammals, are herd animals. We travel through our lives in groups of familiarity: usually managing to connect with, at least once per lifetime, those we have known and loved.
It is interesting when we meet friends we have known in another time. We can look at how much they have grown and changed, and then sometimes see through their eyes at how much we, ourselves have grown and changed.
April 2005
The Sun is waxing and the days grow longer. Each day brings new joys and new lessons. I stand in my Circles and see myself surrounded by loving, familiar faces, and I am content.
Each day we move forward, progressing just a little bit more on the Path toward who we want to be. Every once in a while we might slip backward or get lost, but we have Circle sisters and brothers who lend a hand to help us find our way back.
The first roses are beginning to bloom among the calla lillies on the West side of the house. Summer is just around the corner. Soon we will be in the midst of long warm days, filled with a riotous array of green growth, both within and without.
I look forward to dancing beneath a Full Moon tonight, with my most beloved sisters and brothers.
Witches' Dance
By light of Moon, I oft did hear,
Their singing in the wood.
Bright candle flames, like fireflies,
Outside the Circle stood.
They say the Witches gathered there,
Wherein the dark did dwell,
Afraid to meet within the light,
The reasons I've heard tell.
The Witches' dance, beneath the Moon,
I would that I might go,
To be so free and light of heart,
And let my gladness flow.
But the Witches passed beyond the mist,
Some scattered, many dead,
Their voices stilled, all laughter gone,
The forest stained with red.
The nights were full of emptiness,
No Magick in the air.
Much sadder was the world I knew,
The forest much less fair.
They promised to return some year,
When portents would allow.
There's changes in the wind these days,
Perhaps the time is now.
Earth power is awake again,
And once more we are free.
Our Magick has returned to us,
In stream and field and tree.
O who will dance the Witches' Dance,
Within a forest glade?
Come join the dance, as 'round we tread,
And do not be afraid.
©2002 Belisama Fire
March 2005
I never used to like the rain, but now I find it makes me happy. It whispers on the roof, and the trees stretch their branches up to embrace it. I never used to like to walk in the rain, but now I find joy in feeling drops dancing on my head and running down my neck. It seems to heal my soul as it cleanses the air around me.
New buds are swelling on the tips of barren arms, and the grass looks as though a Nature Spirit quietly painted it a more brilliant shade of green one night while I was unaware. The whole Earth looks as though it is about to burst into a riotous array of Springtime splendor.
New life returns to the land, and back into each of our hearts. We awaken after having slept long within a darkened Winter dream.
As the rain gently falls upon the ground, the Elements of Water and Earth are combined. From this mixture springs new life, just as it was in the beginning. Are we ready to be reborn along with the rest of Nature, or are we holding ourselves apart from life?
I watched a movie the other night. It was about several people who didn't value their lives, until they were put in a position where they had to fight to stay alive. How many of us are like that?
How many of us forget to awaken every morning with joy at being alive for another day? If life is the most precious of all gifts, why do we not remember to offer thanks for it more often?
I have seen many people hurrying through life, as though they just want to get through it as quickly as possible. Isn't the whole point of life -- our raison d'etre, that we may experience it, learn from it, savor it?
"Is it not our charge to live it well, to draw on it wisely?"
If that's the case, then we might perhaps choose to slow down a little bit and be in the present more, instead of being in such a hurry to chase tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes, anyway.
Today I applied to join a Yahoo Group to promote local Pagan events. It's called Sac Pagan Event Volunteers. They denied my request to join. Isn't it sad when people who preach equality and 'Perfect Love and Perfect Trust' forget to live up to their own standards?
I guess I just don't fit in with their politics.
February 2005
There are many types of smiles. Some are nice and some are not. Some are fake, while others are so genuine that they spread all through your body. I seem to be wearing one of those real ones right now.
Have you ever had a time in your life when everything was really good, and you felt as though you were finally making progress toward your life purpose? Have you ever walked into a large crowd of people and felt completely surrounded by love and acceptance?
I guess I'm a bit high right now on Magickal energy, candle light, friendship, and spice cake. I'm going to probably look at this later and maybe shake my head, but I bet I'll still be smiling. :)
January 2005
A close friend came over this afternoon and did some healing work on me. I felt a lot better afterward. I think I've been too busy lately to think about how I've been feeling. Now that I'm feeling really good, I can see that my steps have been dragging a bit lately.
My perspective changed once I felt better, and I could see that I wasn't happy with the way I had felt before the healing session. I'm not sure if that sentence made sense, but I hope you can read my meaning.
As a Circle, we have decided that this is the Year of the Journey. We had a lot of changes last year. There was a former Circle member who said a lot of negative things about us. Several people believed her and left. A lot of people got hurt by things that were said and done.
I can see now that it was Karma catching up. Five years ago, we had believed her when she did the same thing to a former friend of hers. It took much time for me to realize what had happened. May the Deities help me to be wiser in the future.
I have always wanted to believe everything that people tell me. I have a trusting nature, and in the past it has allowed me to get drawn into all types of situations. I am not going to stop trusting and believing, but this year I am journeying toward more strength and wisdom.
As a Circle, we have agreed to work much harder toward spiritual evolution together. The past is done and can never be changed. I turn and wave goodbye to everything we have left behind, then turn and walk joyfully into the future.
December 2004
The days are dark; the nights are long. Last night I dreamed of a far distant past, where great fiery dragons hunted in an indigo sky. I had found a place of safety for myself and my family, deep in a cavern beneath the walls of a ruined castle.
In my dream, some strangers joined us in our fastness. Among their numbers was a woman who wished to travel to another city. She did not want to wait for the safety of Winter to begin her journey.
Most people did not agree with her, pointing out the many dangers, should she choose to embark immediately. She spoke heatedly to all who would listen, telling them that it was I that kept everyone bound in fear, rather than the great beasts who freely roamed the skies.
She convinced my eldest daughter to leave with her straightaway. They forthwith set out upon their expedition. I was greatly saddened, and I feared for my daughter's life, but I did not attempt to dissuade her from leaving.
All went on as before, until one night I heard my daughter's desperate cries for help while I slept. Heedless of the great peril, I set off at once to find her. Although I searched for many months, no trace of her was to be found, nor had anyone I questioned along the way ever seen her. My beloved daughter was forever lost to me.
I awoke, saddened, knowing that those we love most do not seem to be able to learn from our mistakes, but must always suffer through their own. I lend my understanding and compassion to anyone who has ever allowed their life to be altered by the treacherous words of another.
November 2004
We have passed into the Darkening Time, the time which is no time. We have danced together around the Sacred Fires of Samhain, and we have traveled in safety through the Castle of Arianrhod. With the coming rebirth of the Sun, we will dance ourselves back to renewal, to fully embrace life again at Imbolac. The Cycle of Time ever continues.
This is a time for introspection, for reflection. It is a time when the fields lie fallow and we sustain ourselves on the fruits of past seasons. The spirits of the dead are carried past on the winds of change, and the Hunter strides across the skies in search of lost souls. We huddle inside where it is warm, and learn to truly appreciate those who walk beside us in the dark.
We feast together and make merry, and we do not hear the lonely cries of those who have abandoned their lives and hopes and dreams. The Lady lies sleeping beneath Her cloak of Winter and does not heed the wails of despair from those who have lost sight of Her as the night draws on.
Each day becomes shorter, as the night lays a blanket of darkness across the heavens. We light fires to bring warmth into our bodies, and we share strength and wisdom, courage and friendship among ourselves.
I call upon the Ancient Ones to assist us in better understanding ourselves, as we seek the power of the Elder Days. May the coming year be blessed with much light and life and happiness.
We give thanks for the lessons of the year newly ended, and for much wisdom learned from those who have passed beyond the veil.
October 2004
The year is dying. The shadows lengthen as the days shorten, and the leaves fall in drifts of gold and russet. The evening breeze carries the bite of not so distant frost. Nuts fall in the forest, and squirrels scamper across the roof and scold. Many events are reaching their culmination in this Harvest season.
This turn of the Wheel has brought many changes and even more lessons. People that I thought would be around for a long time have passed out of our sphere forever. Others who I thought were transitory have become staunch friends. Many new people have entered our lives. It is yet too soon to know who will leave and who will remain.
I have grown much in this past turn of the Wheel. Each season has brought new understandings, insights and values. My joy of living is returning, along with much more energy. Each day brings new adventure. Time has slowed His hands, and I do not hide from Him any more.
Once you have loved someone, you will always love them. Love, like grief, does not die, but it becomes more distant as the time passes. Soon, it becomes like an old movie that fades out of remembrance. The years march away behind you like countless legions of standing stones.
Manannan and I will be married at Samhain. I have never before been married, and the whole idea scares me a lot, but I have promised to go through with it this time. It will bring even more changes into my life, but Manannan is very happy about it, and I think that I am, too.
The Autumn will soon give way to the bleakness of Winter. It will be a time of rest and introspection, leading to a rebirth of light and activity at Imbolac. New life will begin again in our hearts and minds and lives.
September 2004
A stone rolls down a hillside and splashes into the lake below, causing waves and turbulence. Ducks flap their wings and squawk. Plants are disturbed. The ripples spread completely across the lake, changing everything.
The stone sinks to the bottom of the lake. The water gradually becomes still once more. The plants continue to grow. The ducks forget the disturbance, and the stone is forgotten.
Sometimes we have stones dropped into our lives. It is always important to remember that life goes on. The ripples will subside and life will return to normal if we allow it to do so. People pass into and out of our lives. Memories fade. Everything is as it was, raised to a higher octave.
I never promised to be an evolved soul. I only said that I would try to evolve as much as possible, as often as I could. My teacher didn't tell me how to do that, so I'm stumbling around, trying to figure it out. Maybe I will.
I do know that I have always tried as best as possible to give of myself to those I love. I'm still trying. Love never goes away, not for me, anyway. Once I've given my love to somebody, they'll always have it, whether they realize it or not.
I thank the Deities for all of the love and friendship -- past, present, and future -- which overflows into my life.
August 2004
I am seeing ahead to the future. Life sometimes has its ups and downs, and everyone (in the past) has had trying days, weeks, months, or years, but on the whole I can see that everything is looking quite positive. We are beginning a process that will bring our dreams to fruition.
I have also learned that seeking protection for myself and my loved ones can be a very liberating experience. In the past, I allowed myself to be pushed, pulled, and walked upon. I allowed my friends and family to be subjected to those things also, in the name of spiritual evolution. However, I am finding that I can most certainly perform self-protection in a positive manner, leaving the consequences as choices for those who would attempt to harm myself and my Circle.
Below is a Spell which has now been passed Deosil for a Moon Cycle (Full Moon to Full Moon) and completely through one Astrological Sign (July 6 to August 6). It is done.
For Protection
We ask that the Lady might guide us,
Our highest advantage shall bide us.
For Protection, invoke we the olde lawe,
On those who do turn and betray.
As defense we now summon another,
A kindred who walketh our waye.
Look behind ye whilst shadows do gather,
For dark follows close behind daye.
Go not alone as ye find recompense,
An the fee may not be as ye praye.
Ye may yet turn aside from thy fortune,
If thy malice does not ye enslave.
But if ye choose not, it is waiting,
Perched silently, somber thy grave.
So Mote It Be.
My thanks to the One who passed that to me, with the key to fit the lock, and for some very powerful Magick. May we grow wise enough so that we never deceive ourselves about our true motivations.
July 2004
With each passing day, I am getting a clearer perspective of the events of the past few years. I can see that I allowed myself to become entangled in a web of anger and deceit. I am sad that there are still those who are as caught as I was, but I realize that, by the grace of the Deities, they will probably free themselves at some point.
My efforts to express my feelings have brought much harassment from public agencies and other sources. It seems that although a former Circle member and her friends freely air their opinions, they respond with vindictiveness, anonymous posts to guestbooks, and reports to the local authorities when I write of mine.
Ah, double standards. How discriminatory they can be. These people forget that they, even more than we, live in glass houses. We have not, at this time, responded in any kind of retaliatory manner, because we do not wish to destroy the lives and careers of anyone involved.
Sacramento County Animal Control showed up on my doorstep last week. Those former friends called them to report that I had more than the legal number of cats under my roof. I rescue cats. The nice young man wearing a star on his chest might have taken away my cats and put them to sleep.
Instead, he was quite impressed with my beautiful cats, and appeared to be very disgusted that his time had been wasted in such a manner. I have raised all of these cats since they were tiny kittens, and I love them as though they were my biological children.
Much good seems to have come from this, however. My daughter and I will be getting licenses to operate catteries. It is the first step in our dream to rescue as many stray cats as possible and place them into caring homes.
I am sad, however, because I truly believed that at least one of these people loved and cared about my furry friends. Animal Control might have passed a sentence of death upon my beloved familiars.
I will ask one last time. Leave us alone. Leave our families alone. Leave our familiars alone. Stop hounding, harassing and stalking us. You freely walked away. Please stay away, and forget us.
Addendum in answer to an e-mail I received last night: Nobody else, outside of my immediate family and Circle, knew the exact number of cats under my roof.
June 2004
Life is what we choose to make it. We manifest not only our dreams, but also our darkest fears. I could say that my life was violated in the past, but that would not be taking responsibility for my own choices.
I could say that once upon a time, a person inflicted themself upon me, upon my home, upon my life, keeping me awake all night, monopolizing my time, draining my energy, but that would invalidate the choices I made.
I do my best to take responsibility for my choices and actions. I will not try to reinvent myself. I am who I am; I am who I have always been; I am who I will always be. I am growing wiser, stronger, and more forgiving of myself.
May 2004
Looking back on the past few years...
I can see a lot of control and manipulation that happened, which was always blamed on somebody else...
I can see a lot of psychic wedges that were put in between a lot of people...
I can see a lot of anger, disguised as stress, anxiety, or ignorance...
I can also see a lot of good that happened:
I can see a lot of friendship. Even though some of it may have turned out to be false, it filled the needs of the time...
I can see a lot of love and caring...
I can see strong bonds which may continue into future lifetimes...
So... with negative, it seems that there is always positive to balance it out.
If I had the last few years to do over, what would I change? Nothing. I have learned what I needed to learn, and grown much wiser.
April 2004
It seems that a person will accuse others of the very things that they, themselves do most often. I find it interesting that a person who is more evolved has less need of trying to impress others with their progress on the Path. I find it sad when a person seems to forget their Oaths when they change their situation...
...to love and honor yourself and those others...
...and may all my magic and weapons, and those of others turn against me...
March 2004
I feel that I am awakening slowly, after sleeping for a long time in a very dark place. I brush the cobwebs away from the depths of my soul as I begin to remember who I am, and what are my dreams. The siege had happened so gradually that I became accustomed to it; I didn't notice it. I didn't want to notice it. I will ever be eternally grateful to my two sisters who helped to bring it into my conscious awareness.
I take full responsibility for it. It was my choice. I chose to allow myself to be bombarded by the thoughts and feelings of other persons. I chose to let those persons' energy into my Circle, and I chose to allow it to almost destroy me, and my relationships with those closest to my heart. I chose to allow myself to bend my ethics for persons who actually has none of their own.
I thank the Goddess for helping me to begin, in January of this year, to start to become aware of the hole into which I had fallen. Those persons helped me a lot in many ways. I shall always love and care about those former friends, but I thank the Deities that they have removed themselves from my life forever. I am free to be myself again. Thank you, Lady. Thank you, Lord. I shall continue to live my life in Your Names as best as possible, to the best of my ability.
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